Monologue: 19.12.10

It's midnight...
And I am lying on sofa in the living room, covered by thin blanket.
I don't have my own bed :P Well... What do you expect from a family living in a small rented house? Hah.
Things may be like this until mid-next year.
What I want to convey is some people do not know what kind of life I'm living - I'm just your average person, with a father that has just finished serving the state's army, a mother who is a dedicated housewife, and siblings who are still studying.
...
And I'm very happy with the way we are right now; I couldn't ask for more. I really appreciate and thankful for everything so far, every experience counts.
... I can't think straight now.
I feel something very heavy is placed upon my shoulders. Being the eldest child of the family, I know that it is up to me to handle all of my family's responsibilities when my father does not have the strength to do so. Somehow, right now, I kinda get a glimpse of what my father feels of taking care of the family.

...
I can't continue anymore.

Good night.
Especially to- my one and only family.

Rush, rush.

It's time to go to Sabah. Finally, I'm driving there! XD

Decision, decision...

I'm such a loser today! T.T

That great oppurtunity was lost because of my self-worthlessness! (I wanted to curse myself using 'those' words, but nevermind. Fuck me)

I really don't have anything more to say. Fuck me (I shoulda go to the FML site)

I wonder if it is worth crying :/ hmm...

Oyasumi~

p.s: I wanna scream her name on top of my lungs!

'Twas fun!

Uh huh, football fun day, that's the reason.

---

I got a blank mind right now, but I wanna write something.

Something along the lines of don't get your hopes over something that is very uncertain.
But, the problem is, I don't know what is that 'uncertain' entity. Future life, perhaps?

I just can't feel any emotion.

Ja ne~

Very weird week...

Robberies, suicide attempt, man found dead on street, fire, etc. etc. ...

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!

Alright, let's leave those stuff. I wanna write something else.

That email contents work, mahn. I feel very satisfied with myself. Shiawase desu~!
Now I got the motivation to work hard. :D

Randomness:
I'm trying to live with this motto: "If I'm afraid of doing it, do it."
Way to go, taichou.

Ja ne~

Oh, yeah. I need an answer, not the reason.

I wish I have somebody to talk to. Too bad, I'm alone XD

Randomness: I like her sleeping face.

Ja ne~

My life is currently lagging behind.

Oi blogg~
Long time no see, wassup? (^^,)

And yeah, wassup my readers?
*silent*
Uhh, I know that my blog is not that popular... But at least I managed to keep this one running since... 2007 - I think? Nevermind that.

Holy yeah! I do drinks business in school! (so much for randomness, but hey, $36 profit per week is enough for me)

Upcoming event this week:
- Halloween dinner @ boarding house.
- International Day this Friday @ JIS.
- Football funday this Sunday! Gonna busk and entertain people! :D

Um, I'm gonna be sick from typing this in the car.

Laters~

Ahah, I'm stupid indeed afterall! XD

Oh lalala~

Exactly, I'm that stupid. Stupid and stubborn.

But then, it's different. I've got a new outlook. ^.^

So watch out, girl. The tiger is here. Rarr!

I have to.

Hola my blogg~ And welcome back to Brunei, myself.

Yeah, I'm back from Singapore.
The trip was kinda okay - nothing more, nothing less; although I would love to come back.. As a tourist. :P

Back in my head, I always asked myself before the trip: Will the trip make or break the situation?
The answer: Total confusion. It's either that I'm an idiot or she gave mixed signals. But then any answers lead to one thing: frustration.

Therefore, to simplify and shorten the long story, I will decide that I have to move on. I have to let go the feelings I have hold onto for over a year. I will not think about it anymore. I have to focus to other things - ones that matter most to me, my near-future life.

So, the time of uncertainty is over. Farewell, these unrequited feelings of mine. Farewell, to the rose that I admired the most. I will still admire you, because of your fine demeanor, and nothing more than that.

I learned a valuable lesson: don't get your expectation high, or you will hurt yourself.

Sayonara.

Ah... *Fidget, fidget* I don't think it's...

Hola blogg~ :D

I feel happy today! Not because of upcoming Raya though. XD

See ya later!

Blog: Revisited

It's the high time I should do some writings here. Let's start with my AS Level result.

Bee triple see...
B - Maths. Planning to retake C2.
C - Physics. Planning to retake Unit 1.
C - Psychology. No retaking, aiming to get a B as a whole.
C - Geography. ... Let's just say that this is very unexpected. Unexpected indeed... :3

Overall, the results aren't up to my expectations but they still do the job. Cheers to me.

As I am writing now, I have less than a week to prepare for the new school year. I hope that this coming term will be packed with action, adventure, romance, horror, comedy, thriller, mystery, sci-fi, et cetera, et cetera.
Other things to consider is the guitar. Not my current one, but an electric guitar I want to buy from Izzat. Around B$300+, which is cheap especially when an amp is included in the pack.

That's all for the time being. Ja ne~

Come on stalkers, it doesn't hurt to say hi on the shout box :D

Girls Dead Monster sigs!

I've been fooling around with Photoshop these days... And tada~

The Holidays; it's summer and it's... boring? Heh.

Uh oh... It's the dreaded holidays with nothing to do. Kidding :D

I hope I can get back to school.

Something about migraine... Physics unit 2 tomorrow!

Hiya to those reading my blog- if there is really anyone reading this.

Blogging to me is just 'something' to let out my thoughts overtime. Sometimes I get this weird feeling that somebody might be stalking me through blog. Anyway, it's not like someone is trying to kill me though.

Lemme see...

I've got runny nose currently. :p Hahah.

And my love interest is dying out right now. Why? 'Cause I haven't seen her since the exam.
I am not-that-oh-so confused, as I'm interested in two women- but, the impact of the absence of the first love prospect is greater than the second one.
But then, unluckily those are just feelings - nothing less, nothing more. I mean, who would wanna choose a guy with negative height difference like me? And different backgrounds, too?

Nope, it's not that I'm not confident - it's like trying to defy the rigid structure of Bruneians' mind of social acceptance. If I'm in another country, I would confess to the person I like already.

I hate runny nose.

Oyasumi nasai.

Hola~ June 2010

Hiya there, it's been a while ya' know. :D

I got myself a new TGM acoustic guitar last week, so I think I'll be busy for the time - renewing and polishing my skills.

My reason: I wanna make a rock band. -_-" Kinda lame reasoning though.

I have a couple of self-written songs already, and now going to do the third one.

That's all for the update. :D

Along those 'lines'?

Excuse me, do you speak English?

No, what do you speak then?

*laugh*

On a nice Wednesday afternoon, I had a good time during 'go' ASA - there're only me, the teacher and my fave girl. XD

What is my anti-depressant?

We just had our lip-sync competition. And our block (and house) didn't win.
Truthful to be told, I felt bitter about it. So what will cheer me up?

Doing homework and listening to music of course. :D

I don't know if thinking of her counts. :s

Oyasumi nasai~

When you have something to consider about.

This is what I found about myself when I was go-ing this afternoon just now:
If I meet a person that I really like, I will ignore the people close to me (such as my friends).

And it's the same if I do something that's very addictive, I tend to ignore things which are really, really important in the long turn. Talk about instant gratification, huh?

Ja ne. :D

Excitement.

I feel surprised when I know a truth about me.

I get nervously excited when I try to make people happy, especially if the happiness is need. I will tremble if I do it. :D

Oyasumi nasai~

It's just 'my' life.

It's now or never~

Ahem.

I wanna live forever~

Ahem, ahem.

I just wanna live my life alive~

*Cough, cough, cough*

Back at full throttle.

Yep, I'm perfectly fit and healthy after the Temburong trip. Now I have to reschedule myself to leap back to the condition I was before.

But I'm still tired though. I really need a very good night sleep tonight.

I wonder what's going to happen in the future. I mean, are those gazes for real?

Temburong Geo Trip.

Temburong. Second day. I finally get to see her.

Feeling a little bit better.

Yo. I'm still with the sore (and sticking sharp) throat though. At least the feeling of 'better' is present now. Alhamdulillah.

I wonder about my homework:
Physics (from both teachers)
Maths (I got a test waiting for me T_T)
IELTS (my essay and the website)
Geo (better check any outstanding work)
Psyche (neh... -.-)

A for alchemist, R for restriction, G for grim reaper, and H for hoggin' my life up.

Wow.

Fifth day of illness.

I am feeling cold, but I'm not shivering. Somehow I get tired easily even though I don't do any hard work (heck, I can get tired from eating).

High fever, first recorded 38.3 degree celcius.

*Cough, cough* It all started from yesterday morning. My body felt sore, my head felt being compressed from the side, my eyes widened, etceteras, etceteras.

Enough of that, my head still feels fuzzy.

I wonder what will happen to my rose grams for the Love's Day.

Ja ne.

Tennis, Sunday, driving lessons and upcoming Heart's Day.

Tennis.
I learned how to use topspin with one-handed backhand. And my service skill went downhill, plus painful right wrist. X(

Sunday, and driving lesson. (Ouch, my wrist.)
Okay, I can control my temper. Yeah, I'm number two in the queue. Dot, dot, dot.

Upcoming Heart's Day.
I just don't want to say 'Valentine'. Hah. Next week I want to focus on myself, not on her. Heck, I even try to forget her.
But there's no way I can forget someone who's already in my head since five months ago. Silly me.
So I will just be myself, with room of improvement - I want to be mature at least. That means thoughtful, quieter and hardworking self. And charming, too. Yay.

That's all from me this morning. Later.

Something about those gazes.

To 'whoever it is',
From he who is far away. And you're his punishment ;D

I wonder, what kind of Love's Day greeting is this? >.<

2 more days left to submit this greeting. Gee, such mixed feelings I have right now :s

The fifth turn.

Fifth on driving lesson waiting list. Sucks, isn't it? Still practising on parking the car though :P

Enjoying life as who I am.

Let's see... September, October, November, December and January. Five months I've been thinking about her. And it's very when I look back through those times.

In September I admired her.
In October I was obsessed with her.
In November I wanted to forget about her.
In December I thought about her.
In January I looked at her.

I really don't have an exciting life.

Nevermind, let's focus on other things instead.
Tennis has become a part of my life. Yes, I'm becoming a tennis player now, and I want to aim for ATP rankings. Dream on. XD

Yeah, right. But nothing will stop me from becoming a tennis player, except financial crisis, time and tennis elbow. Otherwise, I'm going fine and A-OK.

Turnover of events.

I'm surprised of the development. I sense all lovey-dovey stuff going on around me. Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is approaching, or because of love season affecting the people at JIS?

Whatever things going on, I'm still the same old me.

"From he who is far away. And you're his punishment ;-)" is what I've wanted to say.

What a great day!

She was very close to me this morning. That's all! :D

Hungry and not sleepy.

Day and night are contrast to each other. So are my today events. I was very sleepy during the day (emphasis: SLEEPY) and now, I'm heavily awake.
Totally opposite from yesterday's night.

Whatever. ( <-- this word has some bad memories within it. I used to refrain myself from using this word and hearing it being said, but hey! I'm over it now :D)

21:31 and one bar of battery left. When will it run out?

I wanna type more but I don't have any idea. -_-"
Oh yeah, tommorow is casual clothes day for JIS, a charity event to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. I think I'm going to wear my white shirt and jeans, but I'm not sure about my footwear...

21:38, still with one bar left. I want to recharge the battery soon so I can have peaceful slumber! T_T

Right now I'm listening to Reason by Fonogenico, the first ending theme of xxxHolic.

The muscle in my right arm still hurts from tennis. I was trying to learn topspin serve last week, but what I got from there was a slice serve. Yes, a solid but not powerful slice serve. Gotta use that as my second serve.

Shichihentakki Shijou Shugi by Kotoko is in my ears~ I love the song! XD

Anyway, back to tennis, I want to improve my backhand slice return technique which I discovered last week too - one that can put heavy sidespin on the ball regardless what kind of shot I play. So far I can do it with drop shot only.

21:55, low battery warning, and time to recharge!

I'm tired from typing. Oyasumi nasai.

The end of the week.

Dear blogg,

For this whole week, starting from last Monday until now, a lot of depressing items bombarded me. I kinda forgot what actually really happened, but there was one moment that told me to change who I am.
However, to change oneself is not easy. I tried to get myself break out of my shell, and it was (and still is) very daunting and mentally challenging - at least I saw a tiny bit of progress, and that keep me composed for a while. :)

Moreover, I am too sleepy to write anymore. Oyasumi nasai.

Hey, not an afternoon of migraine :D

The feeling of cold, conditioned air flowing around my body. Ahh~

It feels like a paradise after jogging around the field eight times.

So what? I just need to release my mind-aching thoughts (although I'm still feeling dizzy...).
Hmm... Let's go for dinner.

The morning pics.

The pics of me before 6am. -_-

Early morning...

I really do not know. I slept early last night, but when I woke up an hour ago, my body felt tired. And currently it still is.

I thought to myself: are my dreams related to this body soreness?
I just had two dreams running in my sleep. They might be unrelated to each other. Hahah.

2010. I never really care about the figures.

And yeah, I forgot to tell that I'm a student at Jerudong International School. Cheers (as Ian usually says).

This feelings! XD

Oh no. 2010. Crap.

Random say: I really, really admire her. Beautiful.

Reality: This world is cruel, but fair. It is a fate to be able to meet her, but then she seems to be a punishment for me.

We are quite the opposite of each other, physically. I'm not sure about mentally, though. (Western and Eastern collide, wow...)

Here I am, sitting on my bed, thinking about her as I type. I don't want to go wishy-washy here (no 'jiwang' please...), I just wanted to tell this for my own sake. Who knows, whether my feelings change, just like the past. Whether my feeling of love is something that just passes by my eyes.

I can never know what genuine love feels like.

P.s. I do know the love of families and friends. :D

Me, the Profile pics

2010. You should see the 'wanted' pics of me. :P